At all costs.

I didn't start Level Two tonight.  And I think I'm ok with that.

As I'm sick.  :(  And on top of being sick, my knees are really hurting.  CVID's side effects (well one of them) is joint pain.  My joint pain is in my knees and elbows (elbows....really??) and my knees are really, really sore right now.  And you do a lot of working out with Jillian that you need your knees for. :)  Adam keeps telling me if I push myself too hard and injure myself, I'll need more than a night off.

And this illness.  Well, it's manifesting itself as chest congestion.  Since I haven't had a treatment since January, I'm very concerned that this is going to turn into a lovely case of respiratory infection.  Which sometimes leads right on into pneumonia.  Not always and that's not even my concern.  My concern is being able to run a 5k in six days with a chest infection.  I can push through knee discomfort, but breathing difficulty isn't something I can ignore.

And it's times like these I think there's never going to be a day that I'm physically fit.  Because as soon as I start doing well (eating pretty good, exercising daily, resting enough), then this crap happens.  I get sick and have a hard time breathing, I have a difficult time with my knees. 

Why now?  Why when I'm working soooooo hard to be in better shape before vacation?  I want to be able to be in vacation pictures and not hide as soon as Adam pulls the camera out because I'm too embarrassed to be in photos.  No, I didn't think this working out regiment was going to get me on the cover of Fitness Magazine, but I thought it was a start.  I thought it would be something I could be proud of.

And it's like I'm failing regardless of how hard I try.



EDITED: So I have no idea why that block up there is highlighted and I'm tired of trying to fix it.  Who even sees this???

I NEED IT!

Crafting is my release. It's the way I feel like I'm me, the way I feel like I'm still a person under my Wife Hoodie and my Mom Jeans.  And I haven't had the time for that lately and it honestly makes me anxious, fidgety, what have you.  It's like I NEED to make something. 

But I feel guilty about making stuff when there's so much housework and kidwork and everythingwork that needs to be done around the house.  My time management isn't so great and I just wish I had more time, or better use of my time so I could fit it all in.  

Because I've gotta bust that sewing machine out soon or I'm gonna explode!  :)

Sometimes.

So Jax isn't feeling any better. :(  And tomorrow morning if he wakes up with a fever, we'll be making a doctor's appointment.  The good news about our doctor's "office" (I only put quotes because it's a different situation in the Army) is that they'll get him in same day and we'll be in and out quickly.  The bad news is that if they prescribe him anything, Adam will have to pick it up as their pharmacy runs on about a three hour delay.  It's more than completely aggravating.  Really, I don't even want to get started on that rant, so I'm moving my thoughts along.

He's very miserable and likes to be held and if he's not being held, you need to be near him.  :(  It's just sad.  I want my wild one back.

I got pretty much nothing done around the house today.  Dishes are dirty, clothes are dirty, stuff needs done. But I did my job as a mom and snuggled my sick toddler, so I'd say it was a successful day nonetheless.

And then, when everyone else had fallen asleep, I finally finished level one.  I wish I could be more excited, but still....no difference.  I read somewhere that it takes four weeks for me to notice a difference, eight weeks for your family to notice a difference, and twelve weeks for strangers to notice.  That's honestly not very encouraging.

And it's not just exercising going on here.  I track my calories.  I'm supposed to be around 1200 for the day. Typically, I don't go over 1000 and I don't take my calories burned from exercising into consideration.  So I guess I don't get why the number on the scale continues to increase.

Anyway, it's been a crappy week and the kids are bored out of their minds.  I hope Jax feels better soon so I can do something fun with my boys.

I just keep praying for all of it.  About all I can do sometimes.

Jussssst barely....

This morning I woke up at 6:30 to a toddler snuggled between his dad and I (I didn't remember him getting into bed with us) and hot as a firecracker.  :(  And when I tried to give him some Tylenol, he was having NONE of that.  Took both of us to hold him down long enough to squirt it in his mouth. :(  He has felt crummy all day.  When Adam got home from work and I asked him to help me give Jax some more Tylenol (I didn't attempt it solo), he barely got it all down before he barfed all over himself.  Honestly, though, that seemed to make him feel better.  (Sorry if that was icky for you!)

Because he didn't feel well, he insisted on being snuggled up to me all day.  I mean, like I had to talk to him from the bathroom telling him I'd be right back.  The few times he dozed off, I jumped up to start a load of laundry (we got a little, errrr, a lot behind...plus all of Adam's laundry from his trip).  I was thrilled when Adam got home because I was hoping I could get a few things done while Jax laid down with Dad.  But no dice.  Nothing is quite like Mommy.  :)

After the barf, he felt well enough to play and I finally managed to get up to make dinner.  I tried a new recipe of Stuffed Chicken (yummm), made homemade mac-n-cheese, mashed potatoes, peas, and rolls.  Then spent awhile cleaning the kitchen and doing some laundry.  I didn't think I was going to get it done.  I was hopeful that I'd fit it in, but the time kept slipping away and I thought I might not make it.

But I did.  :)

Workout #9 of Level One....check.

Tonight, Adam wanted to watch Tosh.0 while I did my exercises.  Fortunately, after a bajillion false starts with level one and 8 workouts in the last 9 days, I knew it by heart.  :)  And I did it up pretty darn well.

Now I'm icky, sticky and stinky and need a shower.  Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is another day and I hope it's filled with a happy, healthy, unfeverish toddler...and that his big brothers don't get the ick, too.

Sigh. :(

Sigh.  I feel like I failed already. :(

Today is Monday.  Yesterday, I was supposed to do workout #8 of Level One of JM's 30 Day Shred.  And I didn't do it.  We were busy (it was our makeup Father's Day for Adam) and I spent a lot of time making brunch, then we cleaned, then we all got ready to go shopping, and when we got home, I wanted to try out a few cleaning methods that I had bought supplies for.  And then Adam wanted to watch a movie with me that we had rented.  So when all was said and done...I didn't workout yesterday.  And I'm still upset about it.  When really I need to just let it go and get moving today.  It was just one day, a rest for one day.

But I feel so guilty.  :(

And I haven't exercised yet today, but I had to wait for a little while because our air wasn't work downstairs (it was hot, hot, hot) and I waited for the service tech. to come and finish it.  Btw, today I'm thrilled to be a renter!!!  He did and he wasn't too long but it was still after noon by the time he finished.  No excuses, though, I'm heading downstairs to get started.  I needed some motivation so I sat down to browse 30DS results photos. And I did.  So I'm ready to get going.

But I've got to say, I'm not seeing ANY results.  None.  Zip.  Zilch.  Nada.  Oh wait, except for the fact that my weigh has increased in the last week.  Yep.  I've lost nothing and gained at least a pound.  Supremely encouraging, I must say. :-/  I know, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, but I gotta tell you, I'm not seeing any fat disappear and certainly no muscles appearing.  I'm gonna keep on....but only with a faint hope that all of this is actually working.

Anyway, it's time.

ps. I mailed in my registration for next week's 5k.  :)  I don't like running, but I LOVE competition.  And I'm not in it to beat others because I won't (my age group is typically among the fastest runners), but I'm going to beat myself.  I want to beat a previous time I've run.  THAT will make me super happy.

EDITED TO ADD:  I did get my workout done today. :)  I still don't feel like I'm doing much, but when I get started, I can tell a pretty decent difference in my endurance.  I can totally make it to the end of the workout and I'm not nearly as worn out and winded when I'm done.  I only have two more days at Level One and then I move to Level Two...which I've never even seen before, let alone attempted.  But I'm ready.  I'm ready for the change and ready to push myself to do more.

I think I can, I think I can...

I haven't done my workout yet, mostly because I've been sitting at the computer for the last few hours printing out travel binder activities for my boys.

We're going on vacation to Pigeon Forge, TN!  We can't wait!  Though the trip isn't the longest we've ever been on, it's still a six hour drive.  I'm trying to arm myself with an arsenal of activities to keep the grumpies at bay.  Since I'm already working on it, I decided to also make travel binders for my nephews.  :)  For Landen, it's just making a third binder (his will be exactly like Adisson and Zander's) but for Boden and Cooper, I've had to look up a lot of things and make a whole separate binder.  At 3 and 4, they obviously can't do some of the things the bigger boys can do.  Also, since Zander is still in the pre-k/Kindergarten stage, his binder will have all of the big boy activities and some of the little guy activities.  Jaxon is not getting a binder at all but a bag filled with hands on stuff.

The girls...well, the girls are getting goodies from Aunt Cole, but probably not until we get to vacation.  There's not much I can make to entertain two 8 month olds on a trip from OH to TN.

EDITED:
We had plans to go see a minor league baseball team today and our plans shifted and we had to meet up earlier than expected, but I still did it.  I still got my workout with Jillian in.  :)

Then we went to see the baseball game and it was HOT but it was fun!! I'm so glad we went.

Holla!!

Another day, another half an hour with Jillian Michael's.  :)

And my boss is home.

Lovely day.

How do you eat an elephant? By doing a push up?? Wait, what???

Here's the thing with exercise.  I don't like it.  And truthfully, I expect instant results.  Like, work out, shower, step on scale...noticeable weight difference.  And sadly, life isn't like that. It takes work, which is probably another reason I don't like it.

But today, on day 5, I exercised again.  Sadly, there's no magic wand and I still see no difference. :(  But I'm trying.  I do it.  I give it my all, every time, no skimping* and I do it.  The warm up, 3 circuits, the cool down...I do it all.  And I even do all of my cardio on my fitness trampoline.  Truthfully, I do it because my CVID has left me with a fair amount of joint pain in my knees and Jillian LOVES her some jumping jacks...and my knees loathe them.  Being on the trampoline makes it MUCH more tolerable.  However, I like to think in my head that it's an added bonus of difficulty therefore, even better for me!! :)

Plus, the boys seem interested in doing some exercising as well.  What I want them to see, though, is that Mom did it.  She said she would do it and she did it.  And during her workouts she didn't cheat, she didn't quit, and when it hurt she kept going.  That's what I want them to see in me.  :)

In other news, I'm still totally loving my living room set up.  On one of my couches you absolutely cannot see the TV.  However, I have two 3-cushion couches, one 2-cushion loveseat, and one single cushion overstuffed chair and ottoman.  There's absolutely no way you're gonna see the TV from every seat in the room.  Plus, all that extra butt space is more for company and the tv isn't on then anyway.

The boss is officially airborne qualified.  That means that after three weeks of school and FIVE successful jumps out of a real life flying in the air airplane, he's officially a paratrooper.  :)  And we're so proud of him!  And he comes home tomorrow!!  I'm super fussy when he's gone so all four of my boys are gonna be happy to have him home!

I've also been thinking about vacation plans.  And really I just can't wait!!! :)

Anyway, I need to go.  Also, I wanna say that I've been trying pretty hard to eat better this week, too, in addition to my exercising.  Fresh veggies for snacks, no junk food, no sweets, no soda.  First of all, I'm freaking starving, but I want this very badly.

Oh and my * from up there...I suck at push-ups.  I can never do as many as Jillian wants me to do, but I try and I get better EVERY SINGLE DAY!  By the end of the month, I wanna do real push ups and not girly ones, but right now, I'm just excited that I can add another one pushup on my final count for the day.  I'm up to 13 without stopping.  I know, not that big of a deal for some, but I hate HATE HHHAAATTTEEE push-ups and severely lack the strength to do them.  But I'm getting better.  A little at a time.

If you see me running, call the police....

Just barely, but I did it. :)  Day four of The Shred.  I still worry, a lot, that I'll bail on this, because I ALWAYS do, but for now...four days in a row.

Then tonight I decided to rearrange the living room.  And some of that stuff is heavy!!  I'm not telling the boss so it can surprise him when he gets home.  :)  I like it A LOT better than the old arrangement, but I'm pretty sure we're gonna need a new TV stand.  We've only had this one for a few years and it was something we HAD TO HAVE, but it doesn't work in our space anymore.  We'll see what he says.

And lately I've been thinking about buying this house.  It's not what I would have chosen and I still don't think it meets our needs in the best way.  And it's kinda too big.  But I definitely feel like I wanna just start settling in and there's only so much you can do for that if you are renting and plan on being out as soon as the lease is up (7 months for us). I don't know.  Another thing to talk to the boss about.

Printed out a registration form for a 4th of July 5k.  It's been awhile.  I'd like to do another and see how it goes.  It's funny... I don't even like running..... :)

ohhhh yeah.

Make that three in a row. :)

Woot!

And I did it.  :)   Two workouts, two days in a row.

I'm pretty happy about it.

Back at it...again.

Vacation to Pigeon Forge is in 35 days.  And I'm already anxious.

Why??  :)

I'll say it here, because no one reads this...I have some body image issues.  Like sometimes it's all I can think about.  I can point out and exacerbate every single flaw, real or imagined, from head to toe...and I do.  All day.  :(  I keep waiting for the time where I can feel like I'm ready to be who I am, to be myself, to be comfortable in my skin.  And that time isn't here.  How long will it take?  I wish I knew.

And I'm anxious for vacation because the kids want to go swimming.  And I'm going white water rafting with my brothers and husband (not that any of them make me feel uncomfortable...they don't).  And all that means a bathing suit.  Or at least shorts.  And I don't wear either.  I certainly don't wear a bathing suit.  I did two years ago when we were at the beach.  We went on vacation just a few weeks after my hospital stay and I had shed LOTS of weight and I was almost ok with my bathing suit then.  Now....oh geez.

Now, I've put on 20 pounds in the last 18 months.  Not a big deal I'm sure. But it is to me. It's a very big deal.  And the thought of it fills my thoughts every. single. day.

So I have 35 days.  That's more than I need to hang out with Jillian and her 30 Day Shred.  And by the grace of God and only with the strength He'll give me will I be able to conquer 30 days of working out.  I never have.  Not one time ever in my life.  So what makes this time different?  I wish I knew that, too.

But I want it.  I want to feel better.  Just because there are three boys (instead of girls) living here doesn't mean I can't poison their minds with body image issues, also.  And I'm well on my way to doing just that.  Because I'm negative, about my body, about myself, about my intelligence.  And they shouldn't hear that.

Because I'm not weak.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not incapable.

I can do it.  And I will do.  Maybe. :)  I'm still working on that part.

But I did it today.  Day One (again) of my 30 Day Shred.  It's not necessarily the weight I wanna lose, the number isn't as important as how I feel when I'm done, the difference I'll see when I've worked so hard. And I've started this journey MANY times...only to stop on day TWO or THREE!!!  What?!!!  But today, I did it.  And I didn't quit.  And I didn't want to.  Today I owned that workout.

Lucky mom!

So yeah, been awhile. :)

This week was Cub Scout Day Camp.  It was a loooooong week. :)  I didn't have the opportunity to volunteer this time so my job was simply to drop him off and pick him up...45 minutes away.  Needless to say, at the end of the week my guys are grumpy from lack of adequate sleep and endless car rides.  But...

Adisson had a great week!  He got to do A LOT of stuff and earned a lot of Cub Scout recognition.  It was nice to see him work so hard and do so well.  Plus, the two other kids that he's friends with in his Pack were also there (the only other Webelos 1 from his pack, too!) so he really liked that.  And after the awards ceremony today, his group leader came up to me to let me know how great he was all week.  She really raved about him and it made me wanna cry or hug her (I did neither, btw).  She said he was so helpful and encouraging to the other boys and if they needed help with something, he'd set aside his own project to help them, never calling attention to the fact that they were struggling or that he was doing something good.  That's the kind of kid I wanna have.  I'm so blessed.

The other boys got to have some one on one time (well, not really since it was the two of them) with me and yesterday we had ice cream before getting Adisson and today we had breakfast at McDonald's after dropping Adisson off.  I wanted them to have the chance to do a few things that he wasn't going to get to do since he had the whole week of fun.

This weekend....well, it will be a busy one.