.......instead.......

I am a huge Nicholas Sparks fan. Read everything he writes. At least twice. So I definitely had to have "Dear John" when it was released. Since it's about a relationship with a man in the Army, it definitely hit close to home. I cried a lot when I read it. Both times. So when the movie came out, I decided there was no way. Not going to watch it. I live the life (not that one specifically, per se) so why cry my eyes out while it's on the tv in front of me?

But I watched it. I started it last night and when it got to the part where I wanted to throw the remote, I turned it off. Then declared that I was going to delete it from my DVR list. I didn't. I finished it tonight. Cried a lot. A whole lot.

Because I know that feeling. I know the feeling of being second fiddle to the Army. Adam and I knew each other way before he met the United States Army. Had a baby before his flirtation with the Army began. But when the war started, the love of my life, found a new love. And since May 21, 2003 when he swore his allegiance to this country, my life has never been the same.

Sometimes the honor of being an Army wife is overwhelming and I realize that our sacrifice, the sacrifices of my children, are all worth it.

But sometimes, I'm selfish. I doubt that will ever go away (hello, it's the Nicole Show, thought you knew!). Sometimes, I want to be more important than the Army. More important that a unit, a company, a battery, a brigade. More important than the next mission, the next career move, the next school, the next training. Sometimes, I want to be reminded that his loyalty is to me, to us, not to the service.

So watching a movie where someone decides that his loyalty to the Army is more important than the love of his life, is heartbreaking. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way. Maybe I should be proud (I always am), maybe I should be less selfish, less needy (trust me, I've come a long way). Maybe I'm the only Army wife that feels like I'm just along for the ride. Somehow I doubt that.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.