Back at it...again.

Vacation to Pigeon Forge is in 35 days.  And I'm already anxious.

Why??  :)

I'll say it here, because no one reads this...I have some body image issues.  Like sometimes it's all I can think about.  I can point out and exacerbate every single flaw, real or imagined, from head to toe...and I do.  All day.  :(  I keep waiting for the time where I can feel like I'm ready to be who I am, to be myself, to be comfortable in my skin.  And that time isn't here.  How long will it take?  I wish I knew.

And I'm anxious for vacation because the kids want to go swimming.  And I'm going white water rafting with my brothers and husband (not that any of them make me feel uncomfortable...they don't).  And all that means a bathing suit.  Or at least shorts.  And I don't wear either.  I certainly don't wear a bathing suit.  I did two years ago when we were at the beach.  We went on vacation just a few weeks after my hospital stay and I had shed LOTS of weight and I was almost ok with my bathing suit then.  Now....oh geez.

Now, I've put on 20 pounds in the last 18 months.  Not a big deal I'm sure. But it is to me. It's a very big deal.  And the thought of it fills my thoughts every. single. day.

So I have 35 days.  That's more than I need to hang out with Jillian and her 30 Day Shred.  And by the grace of God and only with the strength He'll give me will I be able to conquer 30 days of working out.  I never have.  Not one time ever in my life.  So what makes this time different?  I wish I knew that, too.

But I want it.  I want to feel better.  Just because there are three boys (instead of girls) living here doesn't mean I can't poison their minds with body image issues, also.  And I'm well on my way to doing just that.  Because I'm negative, about my body, about myself, about my intelligence.  And they shouldn't hear that.

Because I'm not weak.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not incapable.

I can do it.  And I will do.  Maybe. :)  I'm still working on that part.

But I did it today.  Day One (again) of my 30 Day Shred.  It's not necessarily the weight I wanna lose, the number isn't as important as how I feel when I'm done, the difference I'll see when I've worked so hard. And I've started this journey MANY times...only to stop on day TWO or THREE!!!  What?!!!  But today, I did it.  And I didn't quit.  And I didn't want to.  Today I owned that workout.